Not to share in the passion and activity of your time is to count as not having lived. I don't claim virtue. I claim a low level of boredom.
- William Sloane Coffin
I came back after spending three years working for NGOs overseas, in Afghanistan, Africa and Iraq, to try and figure what a more settled life in the States might be like. Yet it's proven a surprisingly difficult adjustment.
I find myself missing - sometimes desperately - those worst-times; it's those memories that sometimes keep me up at night. I still lay in bed and think about my friend's kidnapping in Kabul, or those moments in Iraq, driving down roads pockmarked with craters, staring out the window and waiting.
It's a cliche, that adrenaline and fear are addictive, except for the fact that it happens to be true. It's a discussion I've had with friends over the years, usually after more than a few drinks - and, over the years, friends have passed along those quotes that they think describes the same:
"Yet all she and her friends did that day was lament the days when they lived in fear and hunger...I knew them when they were being stonked by hundreds of shells a day, when they had no water to bathe in or to wash their clothes, when they huddled in unheated darkened apartments with plastic sheeting for windows. But what they expressed was real. It was the disillusionment with a sterile, futile, empty present. Peace had again exposed the void that the rush of war, of battle, had filled. Once again they were, alone, as we all are, no longer bound by the common sense of struggle, no longer given the opportunity to be noble, heroic, no longer sure what life was about or what it meant."
- Chris Hedges, War Is A Force That Gives Us Meaning
"Sometimes there's so much fear that you reach a crescendo of terror. I was so frightened sometimes, so frightened; I really never thought I was going to get out of this alive. But when it was all over, when I was alive and unhurt the release of fear gives you a rush, a high of just being alive. You're alive like you've never felt alive before. It's not something that's pleasurable in a sensual sense. It's pleasurable in the sense of sheer animal survival. It's your primary brain, your reptilian brain. It's very low and very primal."
- Catherine Leroy, from Peter Howe's book Shooting Under Fire
And, finally, one quote I love:
My friend, blood shaking my heart / The awful daring of a moment's surrender / Which an age of prudence can never retract / By this, and this only, we have existed / Which is not to be found in our obituaries / Or in memories draped by the beneficent spider / Or under seals broken by the lean solicitor / In our empty rooms.
- T.S. Eliot, The Wasteland
Of course, not everyone feels the same. There are any number of reasons to live and work in Afghanistan or Darfur, Haiti or Somalia, many of which rise above the mercenary searching for a personal high.
And, even more, I know it's all a fantasy, romanticizing horrible things from the comfort of my apartment in Los Angeles. I know that I only look back with longing because I was lucky enough that nothing happened to me. And because I was always lucky enough to be able to leave whenever I wanted. Of all the differences between aid workers and those we help, surely the most important is that we can - and do - always leave, eventually.
Yet for all that it's still there, and it still keeps me awake at night.
Michael Kleinman writes on humanitarian issues for change.org, at http://humanitarianrelief.change.org/
Recent Comments